Stoopid/funny stuff I thought as a kid.
-Guerrilla Warfare.
A common topic in our house in the mid 70's. No doubt other kids thought it was gorilla warfare as well. In my mind, a bunch of gorillas found a stash of machine guns that the people fighting the war had left unattended. They started shooting people. Vietnam was a jungle as far as I knew so this made total sense.
-Being catholic made me a cannibal.
Knowing that at 7 I would be obligated to take the Eucharist was a nerve wracking time for me. In school we were told that this would mean we were eating the body and blood of Christ. They make a REALLY big deal about it from the time you're like 4. I knew that if a person ate another person this made them a cannibal. I did not want to be a cannibal. I imagined that in ancient times, someone must have had a steamroller and when Jesus died they really flattened out his body driving said roller over it many times in order to get it thin enough to make all the little circles we ate at church. It's white, Jesus was white, it made sense. They must have drained his blood out first and that's how they got the "wine". The story about him turning water into wine came into play here as I figured there must be a Jesus stand in who took that original blood and make tonnes of it so we could have it at church. We were told to just take a tiny wee sip so I figured that guy didn't have the authority to make more and we had to conserve.
This also solved my confusion as to why there was war in Ireland. Another popular conversation in our house. I knew was it was the Protestants and Catholics pissed with each other. They had the same God so no doubt the Protestants who didn't get the Eucharist were pissed off that the catholics kept eating their god. Who could blame them really.
I was very ashamed of being catholic thanks to all this.
-Confusion
If the world rotated at 25 km and hour, how come when I jumped up inside I didn't get hit by the wall.
-Maggots will eat you if you're not careful.
On the farm I found a dead snake. It was a normal looking snake but the end of it had maggots on it. Nan told me that maggots only ate dead stuff and that was good cause without them there would be lots of disease everywhere. I thought she was fucking with me cause she didn't want me to go on a paranoid maggot obsession. I was convinced that if you weren't careful, a maggot could get on you and start eating you. Later seeing the "send money for the people with leprosy" things on TV i figured these people had lots of maggots where they lived and in the night while they slept maggots ate their fingers and toes. When maggots eat things that are still alive it's called "leprosy".
-Dog shit and dynamite
My cousin and I asked nan what all the little cylinders of white stuff was under the neighbors porch. There was tonnes of it. Nan told us it was dynamite thinking we'd be scared to go near it if we thought it would explode. Instead, Katrina and I gently collected it then we secretly walked down the highway around the corner and climbed a small cliff by the road. We would throw the "dynamite" at the passing cars figuring that as they passed the corner they must have been blowing up.
I did tell her as an adult that had she told us it was ancient dog shit we never would have went near it.
-Eating watermelon seeds would cause a watermelon to grow in your belly and some women weren't really pregnant but had watermelons in them, same with men who had big beer guts.
-Tampons
They were actually things you shoved up your bum to cushion the hemorrhoids. I knew hemorrhoids hurt and bled so this made sense.
-Maxi pads
The box in the 70's had a picture of a lady blowing a dandelion that had gone to seed. This made me think they were air fresheners so I used to stick them all over the place.
-Nestle Crunch "The million dollar candy bar"
I actually thought it cost a million dollars so I never asked for one thinking I'd get beat for being so greedy. That marketing plan worked good haha!
A common topic in our house in the mid 70's. No doubt other kids thought it was gorilla warfare as well. In my mind, a bunch of gorillas found a stash of machine guns that the people fighting the war had left unattended. They started shooting people. Vietnam was a jungle as far as I knew so this made total sense.
-Being catholic made me a cannibal.
Knowing that at 7 I would be obligated to take the Eucharist was a nerve wracking time for me. In school we were told that this would mean we were eating the body and blood of Christ. They make a REALLY big deal about it from the time you're like 4. I knew that if a person ate another person this made them a cannibal. I did not want to be a cannibal. I imagined that in ancient times, someone must have had a steamroller and when Jesus died they really flattened out his body driving said roller over it many times in order to get it thin enough to make all the little circles we ate at church. It's white, Jesus was white, it made sense. They must have drained his blood out first and that's how they got the "wine". The story about him turning water into wine came into play here as I figured there must be a Jesus stand in who took that original blood and make tonnes of it so we could have it at church. We were told to just take a tiny wee sip so I figured that guy didn't have the authority to make more and we had to conserve.
This also solved my confusion as to why there was war in Ireland. Another popular conversation in our house. I knew was it was the Protestants and Catholics pissed with each other. They had the same God so no doubt the Protestants who didn't get the Eucharist were pissed off that the catholics kept eating their god. Who could blame them really.
I was very ashamed of being catholic thanks to all this.
-Confusion
If the world rotated at 25 km and hour, how come when I jumped up inside I didn't get hit by the wall.
-Maggots will eat you if you're not careful.
On the farm I found a dead snake. It was a normal looking snake but the end of it had maggots on it. Nan told me that maggots only ate dead stuff and that was good cause without them there would be lots of disease everywhere. I thought she was fucking with me cause she didn't want me to go on a paranoid maggot obsession. I was convinced that if you weren't careful, a maggot could get on you and start eating you. Later seeing the "send money for the people with leprosy" things on TV i figured these people had lots of maggots where they lived and in the night while they slept maggots ate their fingers and toes. When maggots eat things that are still alive it's called "leprosy".
-Dog shit and dynamite
My cousin and I asked nan what all the little cylinders of white stuff was under the neighbors porch. There was tonnes of it. Nan told us it was dynamite thinking we'd be scared to go near it if we thought it would explode. Instead, Katrina and I gently collected it then we secretly walked down the highway around the corner and climbed a small cliff by the road. We would throw the "dynamite" at the passing cars figuring that as they passed the corner they must have been blowing up.
I did tell her as an adult that had she told us it was ancient dog shit we never would have went near it.
-Eating watermelon seeds would cause a watermelon to grow in your belly and some women weren't really pregnant but had watermelons in them, same with men who had big beer guts.
-Tampons
They were actually things you shoved up your bum to cushion the hemorrhoids. I knew hemorrhoids hurt and bled so this made sense.
-Maxi pads
The box in the 70's had a picture of a lady blowing a dandelion that had gone to seed. This made me think they were air fresheners so I used to stick them all over the place.
-Nestle Crunch "The million dollar candy bar"
I actually thought it cost a million dollars so I never asked for one thinking I'd get beat for being so greedy. That marketing plan worked good haha!
posted by Argh at 10:55
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